Slow down Mommy, you’re going too fast. Slow down Mommy, I don’t understand. Slow down Mommy my feet are little, my brain is still growing, and my heart is desperately trying to catch up.

As a Mom of 4 children ages 3 to 13, I often feel as if the majority of my day is spent in effort to speed my children up. Come on, come on, come on! There is so much frustration in my soul. How I wish I could just teach my heart to slow down and become un-rushed. 

My book ends are my more speedy children. At 3 years old and 13 years old, they tend to talk fast, they love to run and move. They fidgit while they talk and use their whole bodies to tell a story. They think quickly and are definite opportunists. My two middle children operate at a much slower pace. They both tend to stop and literally smell the roses. They speak with more intentional, often labored speech. They remind me to slow down and breathe. My middle son is so incredibly diligent, and hardly ever makes a mistake in his schoolwork. He is purposeful. My middle daughter loves to color. She colors in each and every line on the page.

On this 11th day of December I am taking a break from the hustle-bustle of the holiday season to be still, to be intentional and slow down.  In this stillness, I am appreciating the slower-paced qualities of my middles. I could learn alot from them, If only I would slow down and let them teach me. 

Pink Puddle-Jumper

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak”. -Isaiah 40:31

It was a beautiful Texan summer morning. The sun was shining, the air was thick and hot and my children were bounding toward the front door, ready to go swimming. Before we knew it we were at the neighborhood pool, accompanied by friends and a lot of laughter. Three of my four children were happily playing in the pool, they are all confident swimmers. My two year old however, was becoming overly frustrated with her puddle-jumper life jacket. It is bulky, it feels restrictive and most of all, it makes her feel like a baby. She had had enough!

As my neighbor and I sat poolside to watch over our kids, my youngest hopped out of the kiddie pool and intensely informed me that her floats were bugging her and she was going to take them off. I told her she needed to keep them on, they would keep her head above water and help her swim. I tightened them up, she huffed and grumbled but then walked back toward the pool, appearing to heed my instruction and obey. 

However, like a slippery noodle she somehow wriggled her way out of the puddle jumper and proceeded to get into the water all by herself. I do not know how she managed this maneuver so quickly. It all happened in matter of seconds.  When I scanned back over to where she was playing, I saw the most terrifying sight I’d ever seen in my life.  A pink puddle jumper on the side of the pool, no toddler to be found. 

My heart began to pound as I frantically scanned the water. Then I saw her, one little hand waiving from up from out of the water, her head completely submerged under water, little feet rapidly kicking beneath her. In that instant she was drowning.

I praise God that he opened my eyes to see her in that moment, and gave me the speed and strength to grab her up out of the water. She coughed, she choked. She breathed. We all sat there soaked, trembling and tear streaked. That day, I nearly lost my baby. 

This independent little girl reminds me of myself at times. I think I can do this life all by myself, no puddle jumper need. How often do I tell myself that slowing down to spend a moment with the Lord feels restrictive like that puddle jumper? How often do I forget to strap his word firmly around my heart to keep me afloat? 

Wherever you are today do not forget that the Lord of your very soul wants to strengthen you. It is His heart’s desire to keep you afloat, to refresh your mind, to give you peace. As we spend time in the Word we have the ability to harness His strength like a puddle jumper secularly attached around our very being. 

Summoned, Redeemed and Set Free

Do you see yourself as a woman of great worth, who has something to contribute to those around you? Or do you ever feel defeated, overwhelmed and inadequate? I believe God wants each of us to know, to truly grasp what it means to know that we are women of great value, strength and worth.

Throughout the majority of my life, have battled crippling insecurity, inferiority and social-anxiety. Websters dictionary defines inferiority as: “a persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to underrate oneself and one’s abilities”. 

In other words, inferiority measures worth by outward performance and appearance. Do you ever find yourself spinning in the performance trap, underrating your personal value? I know I do! I have four children. How can I avoid comparison while I watch other Mommas raising their kids so well, with such grace! I find it challenging to believe the Lord when he tells me who He says I am.

There was a specific event in my life when anxiety got the better of me, thoughts of inadequacy gripped me and I ran. Slowly, over the past decade though, God has used that experience to draw me to Him, to redeem me and to teach me to trust Him when he says that I am his child. A child of worth, beauty and love.

It was 2006. I was a brand-new Mom, pregnant with my first child. I had decided to get more involved at church and joined a women’s bible study. The women in the group all welcomed me with open arms, the leaders were genuine. I attended 3 Wednesday evenings in a row, a new track record for this anxious introvert. I hate to admit it, but I’m highly skilled at quitting social clubs. Though I didn’t intend to quit indefinitely this time, there was a particular evening I talked myself out of going, “just for the night”.

You know the feeling after a long day at work of just not wanting to go anywhere? I wanted to go home, put my hair up, my sweats on, and eat a pint of dryers vanilla bean ice cream. It was more than just not wanting to go though, there was an all too familiar fierce pull on my heart that made me believe I wasn’t worthy enough to even show up. “Nobody will notice if I’m gone anyway” I told myself. “It’s not like I have anything of value or substance to add to the group discussions”. The enemy was doing his best work to tear at my heart and defeat my soul.

That settled it. On my way home from work, sitting in stop and go traffic, rubbing my rounded 6-month pregnant belly; I decided that my baby boy and I would go home and take it easy. People and stress free.

As I pulled into the driveway, I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. Naturally, I let it go to voicemail. “Elizabeth, this is Linda from Bible study. Please call me back asap”. There was a strange urgency in her voice, but I dismissed it and walked inside, kissed my husband, pet the dog and plopped down onto the couch. My phone rang again.                                                


Same number. Again I avoided it, a lump swelling in my throat, my heart pounding, and anxiety rising. “Elizabeth, this is Linda, we’d love it if you’d come tonight, you can still make it in time”. I deleted the voicemail, put my sweats on and headed for the freezer for that blessed vanilla bean ice cream. A third time the phone rang, “Elizabeth, this is Linda. We planned a surprise baby shower for you tonight, all the women are here. We have games and food and are all wanting to celebrate your baby boy with you! Please come join us”.
I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. I just couldn’t.

As I look back on that day, 13+ years later, I can see that though I felt like I didn't have anything to contribute to group, I did! Just as those leaders continued to gently call me, God has gently summoned me and shown me who He says I am. I am an encourager. I feel things deeply. I am empathetic and a daughter of the King of Kings. As I slowly learn to trust the Lord with who He says I am, and resist the urge to run, I am finding freedom from social anxieties, insecurity and fear.  

Isaiah 43:1 says: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine”.

I dare you to just ask him, “Who do you say I am?” I believe with all my heart that the Lord, the God who created your very being will show you how to walk in victory and maybe even set you free! 

Goodbyes are never easy, especially this kind...

I can not believe the day has actually come. The day I dreamed about months and months ago. It’s funny how you can prepare for something, you can dream about it, think about it for hours and pray about it, but when it’s time to actually happen, still feel completely at a loss. Tomorrow I will sit across from a precious Mamma and watch her say goodbye to

her baby girl. My heart breaks for her. 

I know she tried to get her life together. I know how incredibly deeply she loves her daughter. Yet the chains of addiction were too fierce for her to overcome on her own. I watched the struggle in her eyes as she desperately longed to be near her baby all those months. Week by week I saw her attach a little more and fall in love with that little girl, yet not quite be able to get freed from those awful chains that held her down. One step forward, two steps back.

How do I take this baby girl back out of her arms at the end of the visit knowing this is goodbye? How will I smile or say goodbye myself? I care about this precious Momma. Oh tomorrow will be a hard hard day. 

God, you have ordained this moment. You called us to this fostering journey over two years ago. It took 16 months to get licensed and during that time I wondered what in the world you were up to. All we could do was wait and pray. So we prayed and waited, then waited some more and prayed again. We prayed for the potential baby or child that would come into our home. I prayed for the baby and her Momma a lot over those months. I prayed for the Momma’s health and safety. Night after night I cried out to you Lord, asking and pleading that you’d speed things up. “Why was it taking so long?”, I’d ask.  Then 16 months later, 16 long months of paperwork and wondering if CPS would ever sign our licensure as a fostering/adoptive home the most beautiful baby girl was dropped off in our home. It all made sense. 

Just over 24 hours old, the most beautiful baby girl. Dark brown hair, big brown eyes, and downy soft skin. She lay there quiet as a bug sitting in that carseat staring at the walls of her new strange home. New strange smells and sounds surrounded her. She laid there so quiet, so still. The kids  and I gathered around her, I scooped her up and sat there holding her in amazement at the wonder of this precious life. She was home. Finally.

A month later I remember sobbing deep gut-felt weeping tears, crying out to God as I was informed that this little princess would soon be moving to live with some family members.  We knew that was part of fostering. Truly it's the "point" of fostering. To provide shelter while the family gets their feet on the ground. Yet, I had already grown so deeply in love with this little girl. We all had. There was something special about her, she was a part of our family since before we even met her. We all felt that deep in our bones. And now she was going to leave?!  Months went by and the home study never turned into anything. The family decided to let her biological Mother do this on her own. Oh their love was and continues to prove so strong.

Momma came into the picture a few months later. Right away I knew this Momma would hold a special place in my heart. She was so easy to love. God held my hand through that day. Actually I believe He carried me.

Then, a couple weeks ago, Momma decided to sign her parental relinquishment forms. On her own fruition she chose to set up a selfless adoption plan for her daughter. She had to dig down for the strength to sign those papers by her own free will. As I prayed for her peace the past few months, I could only imagine the magnitude and weight that that pen would carry for her on that dreadful afternoon.   

And here we are, 14 months after the day I met my baby girl; I will stand before her biological Mother and say what? Thank you? No, that’s not nearly enough. Tell her how amazed by her strength I am? That too seems so very insignificant. Lord God, again carry me through this day. Flood my soul with the words that this Momma needs to hear. Lord show me how to be an agent of peace, show me how to show her YOU.  

Tomorrow will be a hard day. 
A painful day. 

It will also be a day that marks a point in God’s beautiful plan and provision for this little princesses life. God’s rescue plan for her life coming to harvest. From the beginning God told me to “don’t miss a minute by worrying”. I knew I had to love this little girl as my own, 100% all in. I’m glad I did.  I’m glad He showed me how to love this Momma too.  God give her peace tomorrow. Help her say goodbye well. Help her to have the strength to show up. Mend her broken places and fill that gap with the love that only comes from you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. 

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

Peace that surpasses understanding

And He will give you a peace that surpasses all understanding... 

It’s amazing to look back over the past month and marvel at the work of God’s hands on my heart. A few short weeks ago I could not fathom allowing this precious foster baby to leave our home one day. The uncertainty of it all for her sake, the fear of what it might mean for her to go back home, and also the longing of my own heart to have a daughter. Yet here we are on this fostering adventure having to trust God’s plan. To “lean not on our own understanding”.  I realize how the things that I can see from here are not even a fraction of what God can see from His awesome all-encompassing view from there.

I finally trust that no matter what His plan is for this little bundle of joy, whether it is for us to one day adopt her, or if we are called to love on her, pray for her and allow her to go; there is a deep peace that is settling in my soul. A peace that surpasses all understanding. I can not explain it any other way than to say it’s a gift from God. And what an awesome gift it is.

Whatever you are going through today, whatever storm you are facing I challenge you to seek this peace. Ask Him and be amazed at what He will do. As I explained to my other children tonight before bed, God is just waiting to bless us. He loves to give his children good and perfect gifts. 

I know there is a challenging road ahead on this journey. I’m just thankful that along the way I can grasp the hand of the one who gives my heart peace. 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:7

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends and family who have been praying. Our little bug appreciates it more than you'll ever know. Thank you for being a part of her life story.

She's here!

We received our very first foster child!! It’s been such a whirlwind; an awesome beautiful, exhausting whirlwind. I finally found space in my head to sit and write about some of early points in this journey.

I have found the emotions that come with fostering are like riding a wild roller coaster with a blind fold on. All kinds of twists and turns occur and it feels like you never know what to expect next. All I can do is hold on and trust that the driver is in control. Yet every bump and turn jolts my heart. Questions, fears, anxiety arise in my soul.  I sit back and try to trust that I’m doing exactly what I was called to do and more importantly that God will give me strength to hang on, because my own strength would have given out long ago. 

I have spent more than one night sitting in a darkened nursery rocking a most precious little girl with streams of tears running down my cheeks. I want what is best for her. I want for her Mom to become whole to become healthy, to get her life together to be able to raise her darling daughter. I want this little girl to grow up knowing her biological Mom. Yet the other side of me wants to hang on to this little girl and never let her go. I want to protect her from this big bad world and punch the guy who says differently (the Momma bear in me is fierce these days). I know how exactly we’d raise her, I know we’d protect her with all that we have. But what is God’s plan for her little life? Do I pray for Mom to get better, or do I plead and petition to get to adopt her? Both prayers are continually on my tongue. Those late nights though, when exhaustion sets in and my heart is most vulnerable, prayers often turn to tears. Tears of trying to surrender to His will. Those tears are some of the most powerful tears I’ve ever cried.  “Ok Lord she’s yours, not mine, but yours. I trust you, I trust you”, are the words I hear myself repeating over and over again as I rock back and forth.

How do I pray for her Mom?

How do I ask for healing when bio-Mom’s healing could mean my own pain? Is it even possible to put my own agenda aside while I hold the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever set eyes on.

If Mom get’s her life together chances are greater that I will have to say goodbye. Chances are greater that I’ll have to say goodbye to this girl I’ve stayed up until 2am holding and rocking for the past month straight. This little girl who has taught this introverted home-body to drive downtown for doctor appointments, and speak up in awkward new situations. A little girl who is changing us all from the inside out. A little girl who is absolutely worth fighting for.  A little girl who has stolen all of our hearts and doesn’t even know it.

I don’t have any answers, all I have right now are prayers to ask for strength to hold on. I close my eyes tight hang on, and pray that the driver of this wild roller-coaster ride knows what He’s doing.  He called us to hop on this train so here we are. “Lord I trust you, she’s not mine, she’s yours, I trust you....”

                 ...but Lord if it is your will, and please say it is your will, may we keep her!?? 

The wait continues...

Some of you know that my family and I are in the process of becoming licensed to do foster care and hopefully one day adopt. This has been a very slow moving process for us. The average home gets licensed in 6 months give or take. At this point we are going on 15 months, with at least another month still to go. So while I wait, I might as well write...

Our most recent hurdle was almost comical really. Our “final phase” of this process occurred in December of 2012 when our caseworker came to our home and completed her homestudy assessment. She said she’d write up her report, submit it to her supervisor and that would be that. 

Here we are, spring is upon us, and the wait continues. I do know that “the system” itself could definitely stand some room for improvement when it comes to communication and procedure. However I’ll avoid that soap box for now, and just say it's been slow and unpredictable.

Three weeks ago, we heard from our caseworker that she had written up the report and had submitted it to her supervisor. Hooray! We thought we were days away from licensure. 

Thoughts of life change swept through my mind. Going from two children to three. Thinking about laundry, grocery, naps, transportation. All the things parents think about as their families expand.

Days later we received a disappointing call from our caseworker. She said that we had some major issues and wanted to come talk to us face to face. My heart sank. With that kind of voice mail, I feared the worst. I feared having to start over. Thankfully we wont have to completely start over but since this process has moved so slowly to this point, some paperwork had expired, training had to be re-done, pet vaccinations were due, and our family had to get our TB tests re-done.

Ok, we can work on this. No problem. I ramped up into “solve it mode”. I set up an appointment for the dog to see the vet, the boys to see their pediatrician, my husband and I to see our general practitioner. Our caseworker came to our home and papers were re-signed and updated. 

Now we just have to find 4 hours of behavioral intervention training before we can be licensed. This is the tricky part. Classes are May 1st and May 29th. It’s April 23rd, now, so that just means we wait. We’ve waited this long, what’s another month? I talk myself into being ok with this delay and accept that it’s just part of our journey. 

Minutes after I had set up all these appointments, I got a call from our doctor’s office. The gal on the other line says, “there is a national shortage of TB tests, we’ll have to cancel your appointment”. Shocked at this hurdle, I asked if anything else can be done. She offers a letter to prove this shortage and to place us on the waiting list for whenever TB tests become available. She has no idea when they might become available. 

I contacted our caseworker, inform her of the national shortage and ask her how to proceed. Finally some good news, the letter is acceptable, and we can be excused from re-doing our TB testing! I was so very thankful to spare my 6 and 3 year old from having to get another shot. They were too!

Despite the delays the hurdles the slow process; my heart has been re-focused and rejuvenated by these two verses. 

“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. `Isaiah 55:8-9

I know God has a plan. Though it’s not my timing, though I don’t understand why there seems to be delay upon delay, I can rest knowing that I don’t HAVE to know. God has a great big plan. Higher than the heavens are to the earth. Perhaps generations will be changed as He uses us to break the cycle of abuse in a child’s life. Perhaps we will adopt a child one day and get to show her that Jesus loves her just the way she is. Perhaps He is teaching me to be still and know He is God and I am not. Perhaps God is up to something that I can not even fathom at this time. Regardless of the reasoning, I’m thankful that He’s in control. I’m thankful that His ways are higher than my ways.