Goodbyes are never easy, especially this kind...

I can not believe the day has actually come. The day I dreamed about months and months ago. It’s funny how you can prepare for something, you can dream about it, think about it for hours and pray about it, but when it’s time to actually happen, still feel completely at a loss. Tomorrow I will sit across from a precious Mamma and watch her say goodbye to

her baby girl. My heart breaks for her. 

I know she tried to get her life together. I know how incredibly deeply she loves her daughter. Yet the chains of addiction were too fierce for her to overcome on her own. I watched the struggle in her eyes as she desperately longed to be near her baby all those months. Week by week I saw her attach a little more and fall in love with that little girl, yet not quite be able to get freed from those awful chains that held her down. One step forward, two steps back.

How do I take this baby girl back out of her arms at the end of the visit knowing this is goodbye? How will I smile or say goodbye myself? I care about this precious Momma. Oh tomorrow will be a hard hard day. 

God, you have ordained this moment. You called us to this fostering journey over two years ago. It took 16 months to get licensed and during that time I wondered what in the world you were up to. All we could do was wait and pray. So we prayed and waited, then waited some more and prayed again. We prayed for the potential baby or child that would come into our home. I prayed for the baby and her Momma a lot over those months. I prayed for the Momma’s health and safety. Night after night I cried out to you Lord, asking and pleading that you’d speed things up. “Why was it taking so long?”, I’d ask.  Then 16 months later, 16 long months of paperwork and wondering if CPS would ever sign our licensure as a fostering/adoptive home the most beautiful baby girl was dropped off in our home. It all made sense. 

Just over 24 hours old, the most beautiful baby girl. Dark brown hair, big brown eyes, and downy soft skin. She lay there quiet as a bug sitting in that carseat staring at the walls of her new strange home. New strange smells and sounds surrounded her. She laid there so quiet, so still. The kids  and I gathered around her, I scooped her up and sat there holding her in amazement at the wonder of this precious life. She was home. Finally.

A month later I remember sobbing deep gut-felt weeping tears, crying out to God as I was informed that this little princess would soon be moving to live with some family members.  We knew that was part of fostering. Truly it's the "point" of fostering. To provide shelter while the family gets their feet on the ground. Yet, I had already grown so deeply in love with this little girl. We all had. There was something special about her, she was a part of our family since before we even met her. We all felt that deep in our bones. And now she was going to leave?!  Months went by and the home study never turned into anything. The family decided to let her biological Mother do this on her own. Oh their love was and continues to prove so strong.

Momma came into the picture a few months later. Right away I knew this Momma would hold a special place in my heart. She was so easy to love. God held my hand through that day. Actually I believe He carried me.

Then, a couple weeks ago, Momma decided to sign her parental relinquishment forms. On her own fruition she chose to set up a selfless adoption plan for her daughter. She had to dig down for the strength to sign those papers by her own free will. As I prayed for her peace the past few months, I could only imagine the magnitude and weight that that pen would carry for her on that dreadful afternoon.   

And here we are, 14 months after the day I met my baby girl; I will stand before her biological Mother and say what? Thank you? No, that’s not nearly enough. Tell her how amazed by her strength I am? That too seems so very insignificant. Lord God, again carry me through this day. Flood my soul with the words that this Momma needs to hear. Lord show me how to be an agent of peace, show me how to show her YOU.  

Tomorrow will be a hard day. 
A painful day. 

It will also be a day that marks a point in God’s beautiful plan and provision for this little princesses life. God’s rescue plan for her life coming to harvest. From the beginning God told me to “don’t miss a minute by worrying”. I knew I had to love this little girl as my own, 100% all in. I’m glad I did.  I’m glad He showed me how to love this Momma too.  God give her peace tomorrow. Help her say goodbye well. Help her to have the strength to show up. Mend her broken places and fill that gap with the love that only comes from you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. 

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

Peace that surpasses understanding

And He will give you a peace that surpasses all understanding... 

It’s amazing to look back over the past month and marvel at the work of God’s hands on my heart. A few short weeks ago I could not fathom allowing this precious foster baby to leave our home one day. The uncertainty of it all for her sake, the fear of what it might mean for her to go back home, and also the longing of my own heart to have a daughter. Yet here we are on this fostering adventure having to trust God’s plan. To “lean not on our own understanding”.  I realize how the things that I can see from here are not even a fraction of what God can see from His awesome all-encompassing view from there.

I finally trust that no matter what His plan is for this little bundle of joy, whether it is for us to one day adopt her, or if we are called to love on her, pray for her and allow her to go; there is a deep peace that is settling in my soul. A peace that surpasses all understanding. I can not explain it any other way than to say it’s a gift from God. And what an awesome gift it is.

Whatever you are going through today, whatever storm you are facing I challenge you to seek this peace. Ask Him and be amazed at what He will do. As I explained to my other children tonight before bed, God is just waiting to bless us. He loves to give his children good and perfect gifts. 

I know there is a challenging road ahead on this journey. I’m just thankful that along the way I can grasp the hand of the one who gives my heart peace. 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:7

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends and family who have been praying. Our little bug appreciates it more than you'll ever know. Thank you for being a part of her life story.

She's here!

We received our very first foster child!! It’s been such a whirlwind; an awesome beautiful, exhausting whirlwind. I finally found space in my head to sit and write about some of early points in this journey.

I have found the emotions that come with fostering are like riding a wild roller coaster with a blind fold on. All kinds of twists and turns occur and it feels like you never know what to expect next. All I can do is hold on and trust that the driver is in control. Yet every bump and turn jolts my heart. Questions, fears, anxiety arise in my soul.  I sit back and try to trust that I’m doing exactly what I was called to do and more importantly that God will give me strength to hang on, because my own strength would have given out long ago. 

I have spent more than one night sitting in a darkened nursery rocking a most precious little girl with streams of tears running down my cheeks. I want what is best for her. I want for her Mom to become whole to become healthy, to get her life together to be able to raise her darling daughter. I want this little girl to grow up knowing her biological Mom. Yet the other side of me wants to hang on to this little girl and never let her go. I want to protect her from this big bad world and punch the guy who says differently (the Momma bear in me is fierce these days). I know how exactly we’d raise her, I know we’d protect her with all that we have. But what is God’s plan for her little life? Do I pray for Mom to get better, or do I plead and petition to get to adopt her? Both prayers are continually on my tongue. Those late nights though, when exhaustion sets in and my heart is most vulnerable, prayers often turn to tears. Tears of trying to surrender to His will. Those tears are some of the most powerful tears I’ve ever cried.  “Ok Lord she’s yours, not mine, but yours. I trust you, I trust you”, are the words I hear myself repeating over and over again as I rock back and forth.

How do I pray for her Mom?

How do I ask for healing when bio-Mom’s healing could mean my own pain? Is it even possible to put my own agenda aside while I hold the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever set eyes on.

If Mom get’s her life together chances are greater that I will have to say goodbye. Chances are greater that I’ll have to say goodbye to this girl I’ve stayed up until 2am holding and rocking for the past month straight. This little girl who has taught this introverted home-body to drive downtown for doctor appointments, and speak up in awkward new situations. A little girl who is changing us all from the inside out. A little girl who is absolutely worth fighting for.  A little girl who has stolen all of our hearts and doesn’t even know it.

I don’t have any answers, all I have right now are prayers to ask for strength to hold on. I close my eyes tight hang on, and pray that the driver of this wild roller-coaster ride knows what He’s doing.  He called us to hop on this train so here we are. “Lord I trust you, she’s not mine, she’s yours, I trust you....”

                 ...but Lord if it is your will, and please say it is your will, may we keep her!?? 

The wait continues...

Some of you know that my family and I are in the process of becoming licensed to do foster care and hopefully one day adopt. This has been a very slow moving process for us. The average home gets licensed in 6 months give or take. At this point we are going on 15 months, with at least another month still to go. So while I wait, I might as well write...

Our most recent hurdle was almost comical really. Our “final phase” of this process occurred in December of 2012 when our caseworker came to our home and completed her homestudy assessment. She said she’d write up her report, submit it to her supervisor and that would be that. 

Here we are, spring is upon us, and the wait continues. I do know that “the system” itself could definitely stand some room for improvement when it comes to communication and procedure. However I’ll avoid that soap box for now, and just say it's been slow and unpredictable.

Three weeks ago, we heard from our caseworker that she had written up the report and had submitted it to her supervisor. Hooray! We thought we were days away from licensure. 

Thoughts of life change swept through my mind. Going from two children to three. Thinking about laundry, grocery, naps, transportation. All the things parents think about as their families expand.

Days later we received a disappointing call from our caseworker. She said that we had some major issues and wanted to come talk to us face to face. My heart sank. With that kind of voice mail, I feared the worst. I feared having to start over. Thankfully we wont have to completely start over but since this process has moved so slowly to this point, some paperwork had expired, training had to be re-done, pet vaccinations were due, and our family had to get our TB tests re-done.

Ok, we can work on this. No problem. I ramped up into “solve it mode”. I set up an appointment for the dog to see the vet, the boys to see their pediatrician, my husband and I to see our general practitioner. Our caseworker came to our home and papers were re-signed and updated. 

Now we just have to find 4 hours of behavioral intervention training before we can be licensed. This is the tricky part. Classes are May 1st and May 29th. It’s April 23rd, now, so that just means we wait. We’ve waited this long, what’s another month? I talk myself into being ok with this delay and accept that it’s just part of our journey. 

Minutes after I had set up all these appointments, I got a call from our doctor’s office. The gal on the other line says, “there is a national shortage of TB tests, we’ll have to cancel your appointment”. Shocked at this hurdle, I asked if anything else can be done. She offers a letter to prove this shortage and to place us on the waiting list for whenever TB tests become available. She has no idea when they might become available. 

I contacted our caseworker, inform her of the national shortage and ask her how to proceed. Finally some good news, the letter is acceptable, and we can be excused from re-doing our TB testing! I was so very thankful to spare my 6 and 3 year old from having to get another shot. They were too!

Despite the delays the hurdles the slow process; my heart has been re-focused and rejuvenated by these two verses. 

“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. `Isaiah 55:8-9

I know God has a plan. Though it’s not my timing, though I don’t understand why there seems to be delay upon delay, I can rest knowing that I don’t HAVE to know. God has a great big plan. Higher than the heavens are to the earth. Perhaps generations will be changed as He uses us to break the cycle of abuse in a child’s life. Perhaps we will adopt a child one day and get to show her that Jesus loves her just the way she is. Perhaps He is teaching me to be still and know He is God and I am not. Perhaps God is up to something that I can not even fathom at this time. Regardless of the reasoning, I’m thankful that He’s in control. I’m thankful that His ways are higher than my ways. 

Waiting

You know that season in your life when you feel like nothing you are planning is working right? When you have a great idea or four, but no amount of research, planning, sweat or tears seems to produce the desired harvest?

That’s where I’ve been lately. 

A year ago my husband and I decided to enter into the world of foster parenting. With all gusto and high expectation of opening our home to a small child in need of shelter we jumped into classes, did the required training and jumped through endless hoops to obtain our licensure. 

Yet here we are a year later still waiting to get our final stamp of approval. Between background checks getting lost (more than once), papers transferring from one caseworker to another, and dealing with a system where the right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing it’s been quite the adventure so far. Despite my eagerness to answer this call, my research, my planning sweat and tears, I feel like God is still telling me to continue to wait for His timing.  

The second great plan that I’ve been working on, if you can call it a plan; is to homeschool my children. We have had a fine experience with the public school system, but this desire to educate my children at home is stronger and more persistent than any of the wild ideas I get. I would even venture to make the statement that educating my children is a calling on my life. It is my desire to train them up through their hearts by means of education. Yet, when it comes to timing; planning, researching, sweat and tears, God again is telling me to wait on His timing. 

After a year of waiting on fostering and five months of arguing my homeschooling case, I’m finally at the point of surrender. It’s time that I surrender MY PLANS and really ask God what HIS PLANS are. Though I thought I was doing this all along, I realize now that had He said go “this way” when I wanted to “go that way”, I would not have been ok with His answer. That, my friend is not surrender. So here I am finally at my breaking point:

Lord, 

I give up. I truly do surrender. You are King. You see the full picture and I do not. 

Love, your somewhat stubborn, and very frustrated daughter

Through this season of waiting, God has taught me some really cool things about himself. First and foremost is that He is King. Second is that he sees the whole picture. He really is in control. These revelations, simple as they may be have brought great peace to my weary frustrated heart. 

I received this devotional from a friend of mine. (Actually I received it from two different friends within hours of each other, unaware that the other had sent it. Coincidence? I think not.) Anyway, I love how the author states that King David was "anointed and appointed but he still had to wait 15 years" to become king of Israel. It reminded me that God might have called me to both fostering and homeschooling, but it's likely that He's still preparing me and growing me for His purposes, in His timing. (check the devotional out here: http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/there-purpose-wait-2013-03/). In addition to that email, last Sunday’s sermon was on waiting for God, and waiting well. The song in my head this morning as I woke up was “strength arrises as we wait upon the Lord” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP2nz6PG8KM ).

“Ahh I hear you Lord, but please help me to understand what you are teaching me, I’m listening!”  The answer this time: “keep your eyes fixed on me”. “Ok Lord, I will, but what does that mean, specifically to me?”  I think it means focus on Him, not my circumstances or the things I’m waiting on. Use this time of waiting to know Him better. I’ll be the first to admit that I need help learning how to shed the weight of my desires. My desire to control these situations, my desire to push my own plans. I need help learning what it means to walk in the freedom of His love. To be freed from the weight of trying to say the right words to convince my husband that now is the time to bring our boy home, or the weight of trying to say the right thing to our caseworker to get her to work faster for us and process our paperwork with a fire under her feet.  This can only be done by drawing nearer to the Lord, and intentionally trying to know Him better. I know he's is in control. He wants good things for his children. I can trust Him. No more pushing or striving to make it all work on my own. Just freedom and peace in waiting and watching. Let me tell you, there is so much peace in surrendering, when you are surrendering to someone you trust, someone who wants what's best for you, someone who is all knowing. 

If this season were likened to farming, I would say the field has been plowed, ground tilled, seeds planted, grounds watered, sun is shinning. Now I wait. Wait for the harvest. I wait in eager anticipation, not pushy frustration. Friend, whatever season you are in, I pray you might be able to find the joy in it, because there is joy even in the season of waiting.

Signed,

A woman after God's own heart 

Letting Go

I had anticipated this day all summer. My first born's first day of Kindergarten was finally here. My emotions were, as most every parent experiences, completely mixed. I was excited for him to spread his wings and jump into this new adventure, yet I was also grieving the thought of allowing my child to be away from me 35 hours a week. (Yes, like a crazy lady I calculated them out.) 8am to 3pm Monday through Friday is a long week for a 5.5 year old. With no 1/2 day option statewide, I felt a little, ok "a lot" shoved into this.

 As hubby and I discussed other options we came to the conclusion that for our family other options weren't really fitting at this time in our lives. We toyed with the iption of homeschooling, or a homeschool-Co Op/private school option. Though when it came down to it, we felt like for this year our best move was to send him to the public school down the street. It will be a good year, he'll make friends from the neighborhood and it will be good for him to learn from and to respect other adults. These are the things we say to reassure ourselves that full day Kindergarten is going to be OK.

Then I worry: will he chose to make wise choices without Mommy guiding him and instructing him? Will he listen to his teacher? Will he chose good friends? Will he get pulled into the silliness that he is so so prone to be attracted to? Will he be labeled as an overactive kid? Oh the things that worry a Momma's somewhat overprotective heart. 

I thought this Kindergarten thing was all about my baby spreading his wings, but after the week I've had I've realized it's also about my heart stretching and growing. It's been about my heart learning to let go just a little. 

He won't ever fly if I don't allow him. He won't attempt if I hold so tightly that I prevent him from the opportunity. He has the training, the skill, and the knowledge  in there somewhere, now he just needs to practice. He can function in this world without me 24/7. Did I just say that?  I guess I did. Perhaps I'm starting to believe deep down somewhere the he will be just fine. Better than fine he will be great. 

I surprised myself on Monday and felt very non-emotional. Daddy and I both walked him to school, hugged him goodbye and waived as he lined up with his class. As I walked away I thought "that wasn't so bad".  Then Tuesday rolled around. There was a great big sign out front of the school "parents please don't come into the courtyard". After just one day I had to drop my baby off outside of the school and hope that he remembered how to get to the gym and find his class. He's only 5. 5 years old and I can't walk him in? I was not prepared to let go of the reigns that much and so quickly.

It was at that moment that it all hit me. Time to let go Momma. I definitely cried the entire 10 minute walk home. Couldn't find the words to answer Chad when he asked how it went. The lump in my throat was tight and tears were flowing. My heart was mended hours later when I saw my super confident smiling boy coming around the corner with the other "walkers" at the end of the day.  "How was your day sweetie?!"  "Oh Mommy, it was great! My teacher has a pet turtle, and my new friend is named Leo, and recess was fun, did you know we can't sit on the red swing but the others are ok, we are allowed 3 bathroom breaks so that's pretty cool..." on and on he went ALL THE WAY HOME!

The hardest part about Kindergarten for this Mommy is trusting another person to care for and mold my child. Who is she? What is she like? What are her true values, beliefs, style of handling discipline?  Should I trust her with my most precious treasure?

This is when I get on my knees and pray. Pray because though I don't know his teacher yet I do know the very one who created my boy. I know his creator and He loves him more than I could ever imagine.  These Prayers are changing my fears into strength. Strength that will be required tomorrow when I have to do it all over again. 

Hope Changes Perspective

As one last summer vacation before my boy started Kindergarten, I had decided to go visit my Mom in California. This is always exciting because we fly standby. The adventure of flying standby with two small children requires patience, creativity, and perhaps a little insanity; because every time I do this I wonder if I am a little crazy for doing so. Hubby had to work, so it was just the boys and I this time.

For our flight home we had to list for the 6am flight, meaning that I had to wake my sleeping angels at 3:30am. Flight loads were full all day so our best chance was to sign up for the first one and wait out the day. There I sat with two boys not knowing if we'd make it home or have to try again tomorrow.

The first flight was oversold. Ok, we'll just wait a couple hours until the next one. Again oversold. Four more hours until our next chance. We pulled out the games, the coloring books, went on endless walks up and down the terminal. As the third flight of the day came and left my heart sank. This meant we only had one more chance before we have to call it a day and come back to try it all again tomorrow. 

Thankfully the boys were being pretty good... Until my 2 year old decided to disappear for 20 seconds. Just long enough to pull the emergency defibrillator box. Sirens blaring, we all felt a bit of panic. Good news is that he'll never do that again. The police officer stood with enough authority to frighten even my 5 year old into a state of good behavior for a little while. 

My next move was to call hubby back home.  He looked up the flight loads (my personal travel agent), and said our final chance didn't look good.  This is when I fell apart. "Hunny can you come rescue me, just fly out here and we'll drive home?" Ok that's not so rational, but I'm getting weary. Our only chance was if 5 passengers didn't show up. The flight was oversold by 2 paying passengers, and then we were numbers 1, 2, and 3 on the standby list. 

One hour until our final flight for the day. I'm running out of coloring pages, books to read, and snacks. I'm growing tired and a little short with the boys as they start walking across the chairs and wrestling on the floor.  My hope is fading and I feel a lump of worry in my throat. I worry about the impending threat of a 2 year old melt down, after all he has been awake since 3:30am, it's now 3 hours past nap time.  Stress rises. 

It's day 1 of trying to get home, but the thought of not making it made it feel like we'd been there a week. 

Hubby and I discussed options.  If only one seat becomes available, do we send our 5 &1/2 year old as an "unaccompanied minor". This would mean I stay in California and allow my baby to fly without me while Daddy anxiously waits at the gate back home to greet him.  If we can't all get out today, this would at least increase our chances of getting home the next day. Two standby seats are more likely to come by than 3.  Deep breath, OK, that's the plan. I can do this, he can do this.... If push comes to shove...I can do this.

Hubby looks up tomorrow's flights, they look just as bad as today's. However, the last flight of the day has 12 open seats.  There is hope!! If need be, I can come back tomorrow morning at 6am to hold my standby position and wait in joyful anticipation. Just knowing I'll make it home renews my strength. My perspective changes.  I don't mind hanging out all day if I know it will be worth it. My struggle today is that I don't know anything for sure. 

I'm weary, the boys are weary. Yet tomorrow, day 2, looks hopeful. If we don't make it out today, we are going to be OK. Though still in the midst of a long 10 hour day at the airport, I breathe a sigh of relief. 


This adventure reminded me how I want to live my life. I want to live each day as if it were a "day 2" kind of day. A day that has it's share of trials and challenges sure, but has hope. Living in a way that has renewed strength because I know that eventually I will make it home. 

There is rest for the weary. There is certainty in the things hoped for. 

Thank you Lord that I get to live this life in faith and hope. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we can not see" - Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

I can run the race of life (or even get through a day at the airport) with confidence because I know that I'll eventually get to go home. This I know because that plane is never full. 

 
By the way... against all odds we did make it out on that last flight of the day :) 

I just wish I would have walked through it with a "day 2 perspective".