Letting Go

I had anticipated this day all summer. My first born's first day of Kindergarten was finally here. My emotions were, as most every parent experiences, completely mixed. I was excited for him to spread his wings and jump into this new adventure, yet I was also grieving the thought of allowing my child to be away from me 35 hours a week. (Yes, like a crazy lady I calculated them out.) 8am to 3pm Monday through Friday is a long week for a 5.5 year old. With no 1/2 day option statewide, I felt a little, ok "a lot" shoved into this.

 As hubby and I discussed other options we came to the conclusion that for our family other options weren't really fitting at this time in our lives. We toyed with the iption of homeschooling, or a homeschool-Co Op/private school option. Though when it came down to it, we felt like for this year our best move was to send him to the public school down the street. It will be a good year, he'll make friends from the neighborhood and it will be good for him to learn from and to respect other adults. These are the things we say to reassure ourselves that full day Kindergarten is going to be OK.

Then I worry: will he chose to make wise choices without Mommy guiding him and instructing him? Will he listen to his teacher? Will he chose good friends? Will he get pulled into the silliness that he is so so prone to be attracted to? Will he be labeled as an overactive kid? Oh the things that worry a Momma's somewhat overprotective heart. 

I thought this Kindergarten thing was all about my baby spreading his wings, but after the week I've had I've realized it's also about my heart stretching and growing. It's been about my heart learning to let go just a little. 

He won't ever fly if I don't allow him. He won't attempt if I hold so tightly that I prevent him from the opportunity. He has the training, the skill, and the knowledge  in there somewhere, now he just needs to practice. He can function in this world without me 24/7. Did I just say that?  I guess I did. Perhaps I'm starting to believe deep down somewhere the he will be just fine. Better than fine he will be great. 

I surprised myself on Monday and felt very non-emotional. Daddy and I both walked him to school, hugged him goodbye and waived as he lined up with his class. As I walked away I thought "that wasn't so bad".  Then Tuesday rolled around. There was a great big sign out front of the school "parents please don't come into the courtyard". After just one day I had to drop my baby off outside of the school and hope that he remembered how to get to the gym and find his class. He's only 5. 5 years old and I can't walk him in? I was not prepared to let go of the reigns that much and so quickly.

It was at that moment that it all hit me. Time to let go Momma. I definitely cried the entire 10 minute walk home. Couldn't find the words to answer Chad when he asked how it went. The lump in my throat was tight and tears were flowing. My heart was mended hours later when I saw my super confident smiling boy coming around the corner with the other "walkers" at the end of the day.  "How was your day sweetie?!"  "Oh Mommy, it was great! My teacher has a pet turtle, and my new friend is named Leo, and recess was fun, did you know we can't sit on the red swing but the others are ok, we are allowed 3 bathroom breaks so that's pretty cool..." on and on he went ALL THE WAY HOME!

The hardest part about Kindergarten for this Mommy is trusting another person to care for and mold my child. Who is she? What is she like? What are her true values, beliefs, style of handling discipline?  Should I trust her with my most precious treasure?

This is when I get on my knees and pray. Pray because though I don't know his teacher yet I do know the very one who created my boy. I know his creator and He loves him more than I could ever imagine.  These Prayers are changing my fears into strength. Strength that will be required tomorrow when I have to do it all over again.