We received our very first foster child!! It’s been such a whirlwind; an awesome beautiful, exhausting whirlwind. I finally found space in my head to sit and write about some of early points in this journey.
I have found the emotions that come with fostering are like riding a wild roller coaster with a blind fold on. All kinds of twists and turns occur and it feels like you never know what to expect next. All I can do is hold on and trust that the driver is in control. Yet every bump and turn jolts my heart. Questions, fears, anxiety arise in my soul. I sit back and try to trust that I’m doing exactly what I was called to do and more importantly that God will give me strength to hang on, because my own strength would have given out long ago.
I have spent more than one night sitting in a darkened nursery rocking a most precious little girl with streams of tears running down my cheeks. I want what is best for her. I want for her Mom to become whole to become healthy, to get her life together to be able to raise her darling daughter. I want this little girl to grow up knowing her biological Mom. Yet the other side of me wants to hang on to this little girl and never let her go. I want to protect her from this big bad world and punch the guy who says differently (the Momma bear in me is fierce these days). I know how exactly we’d raise her, I know we’d protect her with all that we have. But what is God’s plan for her little life? Do I pray for Mom to get better, or do I plead and petition to get to adopt her? Both prayers are continually on my tongue. Those late nights though, when exhaustion sets in and my heart is most vulnerable, prayers often turn to tears. Tears of trying to surrender to His will. Those tears are some of the most powerful tears I’ve ever cried. “Ok Lord she’s yours, not mine, but yours. I trust you, I trust you”, are the words I hear myself repeating over and over again as I rock back and forth.
How do I pray for her Mom?
How do I ask for healing when bio-Mom’s healing could mean my own pain? Is it even possible to put my own agenda aside while I hold the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever set eyes on.
If Mom get’s her life together chances are greater that I will have to say goodbye. Chances are greater that I’ll have to say goodbye to this girl I’ve stayed up until 2am holding and rocking for the past month straight. This little girl who has taught this introverted home-body to drive downtown for doctor appointments, and speak up in awkward new situations. A little girl who is changing us all from the inside out. A little girl who is absolutely worth fighting for. A little girl who has stolen all of our hearts and doesn’t even know it.
I don’t have any answers, all I have right now are prayers to ask for strength to hold on. I close my eyes tight hang on, and pray that the driver of this wild roller-coaster ride knows what He’s doing. He called us to hop on this train so here we are. “Lord I trust you, she’s not mine, she’s yours, I trust you....”
...but Lord if it is your will, and please say it is your will, may we keep her!??
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