I can not believe the day has actually come. The day I dreamed about months and months ago. It’s funny how you can prepare for something, you can dream about it, think about it for hours and pray about it, but when it’s time to actually happen, still feel completely at a loss. Tomorrow I will sit across from a precious Mamma and watch her say goodbye to
her baby girl. My heart breaks for her.
I know she tried to get her life together. I know how incredibly deeply she loves her daughter. Yet the chains of addiction were too fierce for her to overcome on her own. I watched the struggle in her eyes as she desperately longed to be near her baby all those months. Week by week I saw her attach a little more and fall in love with that little girl, yet not quite be able to get freed from those awful chains that held her down. One step forward, two steps back.
How do I take this baby girl back out of her arms at the end of the visit knowing this is goodbye? How will I smile or say goodbye myself? I care about this precious Momma. Oh tomorrow will be a hard hard day.
God, you have ordained this moment. You called us to this fostering journey over two years ago. It took 16 months to get licensed and during that time I wondered what in the world you were up to. All we could do was wait and pray. So we prayed and waited, then waited some more and prayed again. We prayed for the potential baby or child that would come into our home. I prayed for the baby and her Momma a lot over those months. I prayed for the Momma’s health and safety. Night after night I cried out to you Lord, asking and pleading that you’d speed things up. “Why was it taking so long?”, I’d ask. Then 16 months later, 16 long months of paperwork and wondering if CPS would ever sign our licensure as a fostering/adoptive home the most beautiful baby girl was dropped off in our home. It all made sense.
Just over 24 hours old, the most beautiful baby girl. Dark brown hair, big brown eyes, and downy soft skin. She lay there quiet as a bug sitting in that carseat staring at the walls of her new strange home. New strange smells and sounds surrounded her. She laid there so quiet, so still. The kids and I gathered around her, I scooped her up and sat there holding her in amazement at the wonder of this precious life. She was home. Finally.
A month later I remember sobbing deep gut-felt weeping tears, crying out to God as I was informed that this little princess would soon be moving to live with some family members. We knew that was part of fostering. Truly it's the "point" of fostering. To provide shelter while the family gets their feet on the ground. Yet, I had already grown so deeply in love with this little girl. We all had. There was something special about her, she was a part of our family since before we even met her. We all felt that deep in our bones. And now she was going to leave?! Months went by and the home study never turned into anything. The family decided to let her biological Mother do this on her own. Oh their love was and continues to prove so strong.
Momma came into the picture a few months later. Right away I knew this Momma would hold a special place in my heart. She was so easy to love. God held my hand through that day. Actually I believe He carried me.
Then, a couple weeks ago, Momma decided to sign her parental relinquishment forms. On her own fruition she chose to set up a selfless adoption plan for her daughter. She had to dig down for the strength to sign those papers by her own free will. As I prayed for her peace the past few months, I could only imagine the magnitude and weight that that pen would carry for her on that dreadful afternoon.
And here we are, 14 months after the day I met my baby girl; I will stand before her biological Mother and say what? Thank you? No, that’s not nearly enough. Tell her how amazed by her strength I am? That too seems so very insignificant. Lord God, again carry me through this day. Flood my soul with the words that this Momma needs to hear. Lord show me how to be an agent of peace, show me how to show her YOU.
Tomorrow will be a hard day.
A painful day.
It will also be a day that marks a point in God’s beautiful plan and provision for this little princesses life. God’s rescue plan for her life coming to harvest. From the beginning God told me to “don’t miss a minute by worrying”. I knew I had to love this little girl as my own, 100% all in. I’m glad I did. I’m glad He showed me how to love this Momma too. God give her peace tomorrow. Help her say goodbye well. Help her to have the strength to show up. Mend her broken places and fill that gap with the love that only comes from you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17
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